Saturday, December 1, 2012

A rat is among us

When I first joined Blogger and Twitter I saw both as a safe place. I guess I've considered both a journal in some sense. When I first joined Twitter in 2009 I think I knew only two other people who actually had accounts. Since then I've kept my Twitter account and blog fairly anonymous, only letting a few people know my handle. I love the anonymity behind Twitter! That's part of the fun! And somehow I've managed to avoid the nasty trolls I hear about on Twitter...but I have come across a rat. Well, I have an idea who the rat is. But really there's nothing I can say to that person, I never told him/her that I wanted to keep my Twitter account anonymous and I could have made my account private.

I never wanted my Twitter or blog accounts private because I want to be heard. I hope that someone connects to what I write no matter if it's on a personal level or we just have the same sense of humor. I've always felt the black sheep throughout life (I know, wah, wah, wah). Different from the rest (I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel). I didn't feel special or better than anyone, I felt awkward and like I didn't belong. I've especially felt that way in my family, more so than middle school or when I told my family I had a cheating, abusing boyfriend and no one seemed to care. Twitter and Blogger have always been ways of expressing myself, keyword being "myself". If you've paid attention to my rantings you probably know that I curse, think farts are funny and that I feel most uneasy around a certain family member. Somehow that family member knows my handle. I feel many things, mostly naked with a slice of betrayal. I certainly don't feel safe anymore.

I know it sounds childish, but I'm hoping it means new beginnings, I've decided to start anew. This will be my last blog posting here and I will be retiring the old creepygroovy handle. Don't worry, I plan on finding a new handle and if you're lucky, I just might start to follow you. As Stevie Ray Vaughn said, "you'll know me when you see me" or something like that.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Figuring Out How To Shut My Parents Up, Help Others And Pay My Bills

My mom said a lot of things to me while growing up that stuck with me. There is one thing that she used to say a lot to me that has been haunting me more so than lately, "You'll never amount to anything. You'll be living off of me and your father till you're thirty!" Well, thirty happens in April, I don't have a grown up job yet and I still get phone calls from my mom just to tell me how well my younger brothers are succeeding are life. You see, I've always been more curious about not sticking to the norms. I've argued with my parents numerous times about my beliefs and I've stuck to my guns, making my adolescence a bit rough and mostly screamed at...and grounded. We argued about everything, school, religion, food, politics, curse words. I gave up on school in middle school, just doing enough work to pass so I didn't get in trouble. I told my parents I thought the grading process was stupid and I basically only applied myself to what I thought was interesting...which from middle school on has still been minimal to date. I think the school system has gotten worse and needs a total makeover, it' s the reason I stopped halfway from getting a teaching degree. I've always been stubborn and I've especially been stubborn in life when I have to do things I don't want to do or believe in. I know it sounds childish, but I don't want to waste my time doing something I don't want to do.
I went to college to make my parents happy and to get internet in my bedroom. I didn't know what I wanted to do and I spent six years deciding what to do, I get a bill monthly for all that time. Over six years of college courses (I'm talking full semesters here people) I have an associates degrees in liberal arts, I have half the amount of credits needed for a bachelors degree in psychology, childhood education, film studies and (as of 2008, I believe) one class away from a creative writing  bachelors degree. On a job application though none of that matters, I have to mark associates degree on highest level of education. Sometimes that line from Tommy Boy comes across my mind, "Yeah, they're called doctors."
My youngest brother one time got mad at me for causing a family fight and asked why I had to be such a nonconformist. I explained to him that I couldn't help the way my brain thinks. One thing that my parents never could understand was that I didn't want a job without meaning and purpose. Sorry, but no desk job for me unless I'm saving puppies, babies or the elderly...catch my drift? Finding a job that interests me, gives back and pays my bills has been difficult, thinking of a career has honestly been just has difficult. I get sick in planes and cars so my dreams of being an astronaut and an archeologist were crushed along with anything else it seemed. One thing I've always known is that I want to be my own boss or work for someone with similar beliefs to my own. My parents would argue at this point to grow up and that isn't how life works. I in return would say fuck that and struggle until I reach my dream...and that's where I'm still at, struggling and stuck.
I've been racking my brain lately on how to prove my mom wrong, that I will amount to something, and also actually find something I want to amount to. My boyfriend and I started our own vegan baking catering business that we hope becomes successful one day, but for now we can't depend on cupcakes to pay our bills, someday but not today. I love our vegan lifestyle and I can't stress enough how much I wish I started eating and living this way years earlier. I've learned so much and I love the experimentations to "veganize" a recipe. There's definetely so much more to learn though. With that I may have finally figured out how to shut my mom up, help others and pay my bills!
Drumroll...I want to be a nutritionist! I've been looking into requirements and what it is nutritionists do and I think I'm excited. Look out world, I'm about to get you healthified. Yes, that's not a real word, that's just how healthy I'm gonna getcha...for a small fee of course, I have bills guys.

Feeling Ambitious? Read These Too! (sorry for all the LOST posts)