A Perfect Family Vacation

Family vacation. Those two words are enough to make me break out in hives and my stomach to flip. I haven't been on a family vacation in years, I think the last one was 2002. I was actually banned from family vacations that year. Oh don't feel bad for me, it's how I would want it anyways. My family likes to think that I ruin every vacation and holiday...and they're right. In fact, both my brothers this year told me they were impressed that I didn't ruin Thanksgiving or Christmas. I will admit that I was extremely high and drunk during Thanksgiving dinner, but no one seemed to notice (which could cause some worrying in itself) and I almost ruined Christmas by showing a home video from Christmas 1993 in which one of my brothers repeatedly yells "Happy birthday, Jesus!" after opening presents and screams like a monkey when my dad tries to steal his Reese's peanut butter cup. Luckily, I turned it off before my brother started crying.

Top 3 Family Moments I've Ruined:

Mother's Day 1996. After asking my mom what she wanted for Mother's Day, she told me "nothing"...so I didn't get her anything. I was about 13 and that's when I learned how crazy women (including my mother) can be. Mother's Day morning came and everyone showered my mom with flowers, chocolate and presents. I suddenly felt bad, so I ran upstairs and made a homemade card. Apparently, the card wasn't enough. My mom left that morning and didn't come home till bedtime. While she was gone I had a day full of screaming from my dad and brothers. I make sure to always go overboard on Mother's Day now...lots and lots of presents.

Christmas Eve 1991 was another huge one, but not entirely my fault. I've never been big on religion. Even as a kid it just didn't make sense to me, it all just seemed stupid and made up. My little brother, who was about 5-years-old at the time was a big believer in God and Jesus. Our grandma was staying with us for Christmas and she was incredibly religious. My brother and I started fighting over the cross I was wearing. I only wore the cross when my grandma was around or when I was forced to wear it for special occasions. I kept telling him there was no God and he kept getting upset. I offended him so much that he was trying to rip the cross off my neck...and he did. My parents ended up leaving, and I honestly don't remember what lead to that, but my grandma stayed with us and gave us quite the lecture. She told us that we had to pray to Jesus. I for sure was not about to pray to Jesus, but she told us that he would kill our parents if we didn't pray to him for our forgiveness. Nice tactic, huh? So I prayed. My parents came home alive and yelling at my grandma after we told them what she said.

I've always had a bit of attitude, but I keep my mouth shut for the most part...unless you really start pissing me off, then I'm guaranteed to say something offensive. Florida 2002 was no exception. We were at an Olive Garden in Orlando for dinner and it was near the end of our week long vacation. I was ready to kill every single member of my family. Again, I don't really remember what lead up to the big fight, but I said something to my mom and made her cry. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I just kept going...a weeks worth of steam was coming out. Eventually my mom got up, called me a "bitch" and left the restaurant. Oh yes, a scene was created. All eyes were on our table. I guess no one else could take the heat cause they all got up, giving me dirty looks and making remarks like "Nice going!" and "Why do you have to be such a bitch?". The restaurant was still staring and it was rather uncomfortable. I wasn't about to leave though (I tend to be stubborn and stick to my guns), so I remained seated, took a sip of water and started eating. They all started trickling back in slowly for a very silent dinner. After that I was told that I wasn't allowed to go on anymore family vacations.

And here we are, 2010 and rumors of a family vacation. My dad just told me that we are going to Florida again. I grimaced and asked, "Do I have to go?" The room filled with laughter, but I was dead serious. "Well, what if you had your own condo with your friends?" my dad offered. I started thinking about it and then my mom chirped in, "Oh good! Then I can have somewhere to go when I need a break from the boys!" Lazers came out of my eyes. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I told them that I didn't want to go. My dad could see the distress on my face. He then said, "Oh, but the dogs...maybe you could go a week after us and watch the dogs while we're gone?" I quickly agreed to this. Phew! That was a close one! They can still pay for my share, but just for a different week without them. A family vacation without my family. A perfect family vacation.