Can't Read My Polka Face

Yesterday I experienced my first Dyngus Day at Buffalo Central Terminal and The Adam Mickiewicz Library with my family and my love. Click on the links for more info on Dyngus Day and the history behind the two places we visited. But in a nutshell, think of Dyngus Day in Buffalo like a Polish St. Patrick's Day celebration. It's unreal! I hadn't been in either place before but I was so excited about going into the terminal! I wish there weren't so many cops around so we could sneak off and explore the rest of the terminal but just being in the main area of the building, even though it is completely run down, was breathtaking. Yes, even with non stop polka music from Those Idiots. I've had Polka Face in my head all day.



My mom found a picture of me and the boy on buffalo.com and I found us in the background of a buffalo news video too! Unfortunately, I can't find any footage of me sticking out my tongue in a lewd fashion behind my mom as she got interviewed from another news channel. Speaking of, more bad news: I forgot my camera. But thank goodness for cellphones! I was able to snap a few (crappy) photos inside Buffalo Central Terminal.

This One Goes to 11

I started writing a blog a few days ago remembering 2010 but honestly I’m sick of hearing about 2010 and I deleted the whole thing. I have nothing against 2010; in fact, there is a lot I love about last year! But instead of looking back on the good, the bad and the urinated soaked jeans, I’m focusing on what 2011 has to offer me.

(in no particular order)

1.       Award season! There’s nothing quite better than a spending a Sunday night indulging on food and drink while watching The Academy Awards. Plus it’s a good excuse to splurge on movies!

2.       I’m looking forward to getting my car fixed. Not looking forward to the bill.

3.       Buying more vinyl. Listening to more vinyl.

4.       I’m not much of a believer in resolutions, but I’ve decided to go with it. Finalizing on trying to eat lunch every day. So, there’s that…

5.       Move.

6.       Paying more attention to writing and blogging.

7.       Winning the lotto or falling upon any lump sum of money.

8.       The boy and I plan on visiting a few cities starting this spring. Just a few months away!

9.       Starting my own business(es).

10.   I want to be more active this year.

11.   More good times with friends!

12.   Finally getting a tattoo in remembrance of my grandma.

13.   If I don’t win the lotto this year or fall upon a lump sum of money, it’ll be ok (I guess) because I’m getting a raise this spring. Praise Jebus!

14.   More ladies nights.

15.   Picking up a few good books to read (hopefully).

16.   I’m trying to grow my hair out but I never actually do my hair. This one should be interesting…

17.   Learning how to make more vegan food and desserts.

18.   I should probably get health insurance too.

19.   Possible free trip to NYC.

20.   Spending more time with my love.

Here’s to a solid 2011! Stay healthy and stay safe.

A Perfect Family Vacation

Family vacation. Those two words are enough to make me break out in hives and my stomach to flip. I haven't been on a family vacation in years, I think the last one was 2002. I was actually banned from family vacations that year. Oh don't feel bad for me, it's how I would want it anyways. My family likes to think that I ruin every vacation and holiday...and they're right. In fact, both my brothers this year told me they were impressed that I didn't ruin Thanksgiving or Christmas. I will admit that I was extremely high and drunk during Thanksgiving dinner, but no one seemed to notice (which could cause some worrying in itself) and I almost ruined Christmas by showing a home video from Christmas 1993 in which one of my brothers repeatedly yells "Happy birthday, Jesus!" after opening presents and screams like a monkey when my dad tries to steal his Reese's peanut butter cup. Luckily, I turned it off before my brother started crying.

Top 3 Family Moments I've Ruined:

Mother's Day 1996. After asking my mom what she wanted for Mother's Day, she told me "nothing"...so I didn't get her anything. I was about 13 and that's when I learned how crazy women (including my mother) can be. Mother's Day morning came and everyone showered my mom with flowers, chocolate and presents. I suddenly felt bad, so I ran upstairs and made a homemade card. Apparently, the card wasn't enough. My mom left that morning and didn't come home till bedtime. While she was gone I had a day full of screaming from my dad and brothers. I make sure to always go overboard on Mother's Day now...lots and lots of presents.

Christmas Eve 1991 was another huge one, but not entirely my fault. I've never been big on religion. Even as a kid it just didn't make sense to me, it all just seemed stupid and made up. My little brother, who was about 5-years-old at the time was a big believer in God and Jesus. Our grandma was staying with us for Christmas and she was incredibly religious. My brother and I started fighting over the cross I was wearing. I only wore the cross when my grandma was around or when I was forced to wear it for special occasions. I kept telling him there was no God and he kept getting upset. I offended him so much that he was trying to rip the cross off my neck...and he did. My parents ended up leaving, and I honestly don't remember what lead to that, but my grandma stayed with us and gave us quite the lecture. She told us that we had to pray to Jesus. I for sure was not about to pray to Jesus, but she told us that he would kill our parents if we didn't pray to him for our forgiveness. Nice tactic, huh? So I prayed. My parents came home alive and yelling at my grandma after we told them what she said.

I've always had a bit of attitude, but I keep my mouth shut for the most part...unless you really start pissing me off, then I'm guaranteed to say something offensive. Florida 2002 was no exception. We were at an Olive Garden in Orlando for dinner and it was near the end of our week long vacation. I was ready to kill every single member of my family. Again, I don't really remember what lead up to the big fight, but I said something to my mom and made her cry. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I just kept going...a weeks worth of steam was coming out. Eventually my mom got up, called me a "bitch" and left the restaurant. Oh yes, a scene was created. All eyes were on our table. I guess no one else could take the heat cause they all got up, giving me dirty looks and making remarks like "Nice going!" and "Why do you have to be such a bitch?". The restaurant was still staring and it was rather uncomfortable. I wasn't about to leave though (I tend to be stubborn and stick to my guns), so I remained seated, took a sip of water and started eating. They all started trickling back in slowly for a very silent dinner. After that I was told that I wasn't allowed to go on anymore family vacations.

And here we are, 2010 and rumors of a family vacation. My dad just told me that we are going to Florida again. I grimaced and asked, "Do I have to go?" The room filled with laughter, but I was dead serious. "Well, what if you had your own condo with your friends?" my dad offered. I started thinking about it and then my mom chirped in, "Oh good! Then I can have somewhere to go when I need a break from the boys!" Lazers came out of my eyes. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I told them that I didn't want to go. My dad could see the distress on my face. He then said, "Oh, but the dogs...maybe you could go a week after us and watch the dogs while we're gone?" I quickly agreed to this. Phew! That was a close one! They can still pay for my share, but just for a different week without them. A family vacation without my family. A perfect family vacation.

Merry Christmas, Perverts

I think we know two individuals are on the naughty list this year.

Welcome to Hell, Population: 5. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Holidays are a funny thing. They are made up and yet taken so seriously. The family part kills me. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of family and I'm extremely grateful for my family...I just can't stand them majority of the time. I swear I feel like I'm part of the Truman Show or some other nightmare scheme.

During dinner my father counted his moles...after exclaiming that he had to get some paper towel because he sweats when he eats. Disgusting. He actually said "my adrenaline gets goin' when I see all the good food." So he got his paper towels came back and started talking about how he has one mole. Then he changed it to two. Two moles.

"I have one by my neck....and the other one somewhere else," he said while laughing. As I looked up to say something along the lines of "shut up", I noticed he had a mole on his face, next to his eye brow above his nose.

"What about that one on your face?" I asked while shoving mashed potatoes in my mouth.

"I don't have a mole on my face," he tried to argue. My brother leaned over and put his finger on it.

"Oh. Well...I guess I have three moles then."

And that's how dinner started. Then my mom wanted to play a game. We had to go around the table and say things that we are thankful for. When it was my turn I said "pass", as I was still getting over the mole conversation. But everyone said the same cheese, "I'm thankful for family and friends and health and this meal and blah blah blah." All eyes were on me. I looked down at my plate and said the first thing that came to my mind..."I am thankful for these eating utensils." Without saying a word, glasses were raised. And then my brother sneezed.

"Bless you," we said. He got up and started laughing. We were all confused but still not entirely interested in what was so funny. He came back with Windex and paper towel. We all leaned over and took a peek. He sneezed with a mouthful of food. Not just one food, but turkey, corn and mashed potatoes. In my family, you learn not to regurgitate your food at a young age.

I continued to work on my plate. My stuffing looked like it was in a perfect ball from when I scooped it with a spoon.

"Did you roll your stuffing into a ball?" my dad asked me.

"What? No, that's how it came off the spoon." I said back to him.

"Oh, I thought you were playing with your food." He put his hands in the air and told me to throw my stuffing at him. I gave him a "really?" look.

"Are you serious?" I said to his stupid grin.

"C'mon..." he said in a teasing and taunting voice.

"Don't tempt me." I said as he laughed and put his hands down.

Then my mom started talking about my brother's penis. Something everybody, including him, I'm sure wanted to hear. My brother and his girlfriend made penis cookies. My mom had all these inappropriate jokes and stories to go with them.

"I've seen his penis, but I don't want to decorate it. That would just be weird." I probably asked her to stop four times before she actually did.

"Oh, you have no sense of humor!" my mom told me.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm lacking." The room was quiet. My brother and his girlfriend were whispering.

"What are you guys talking about?" my dad asked.

"We're gonna hang out with Sean tonight," my brother told him.

"Doesn't he have swine flu?" we all asked in confusion.

"Yeah, but he went out last night and he said he feels fine," my dumb brother said. We all tried explaining to him that H1N1 stays in your system for ten days and that it has not been ten days. My mother who is a nurse and has been having to wear a mask every day at work for months told him that it was a stupid idea.

"He said he feels fine though," his girlfriend said.

"Whatever, you guys are fucking stupid," my other brother chirped in.

"For real, don't come back to this house for a while if you're going over there," I said.

"Well, I'm ready to get my party on and I don't care," my brother said.

And as if we weren't talking about swine flu exposure, my dad decided to change the subject.

"If you put all the left overs into a food processor or blender and then put in in a casserole and bake it, I'd bet it'd be really good," he said.

"That's disgusting," I said in return. The conversation went on for a while about how none of us would eat the left over casserole. Before I knew it we were talking about my single status. Something always good to end the dinner with.

"You know, the guy that owns that pizza and sub place remembers what you order," my mom told me.

"What pizza and sub place? What guy?" I asked.

"You know, the one you get a turkey sub from..." my mom said in a cute tone.

"Um...no, I don't. I always order a turkey sub."

"Oh, what's the name of that place? Guetti's?" she finally remembered.

"UHHHHH....are you serious?" I said while dropping my fork on my plate.

"Yeah! His father was just in with chest pains!" my mom said sounding somewhat excited.

"I've only been in there once and it was over the summer..." I said waiting for her to realize how odd it is that this man knew who I was and what I ordered.

"Oh yeah! That's what he said!" she wasn't picking it up.

"Mom," I said, "that's creepy."

"No it's not! He saw my last name and asked if I knew your father. Told me that you came in on a Sunday morning over the summer. You were his first customer of the day and you ordered a turkey sub."

"Uh, yeah...that's creepy," I said once again. Apparently, I was the only one who found this story off. Everybody else seemed to think it was special. I slowly got up, took my wine, a few cookies and went upstairs all while listening to them all discuss my future of marrying a man that owns a pizzeria.

That was only one half hour of my family life. Imagine what the next month or so is going to be like. It's for this reason that I like to think of my friends as family. The way I see it, you're friends are the family that you chose. So out of no disrespect to my family, I'd like to say that I am thankful for something other than forks and spoons...I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful that they don't count their moles in front of me and for just being who they are. Without them I'm sure I'd be in a nuthouse. So thanks, friend. :)