Not So Proud

Here's a fun list of moments in my life:

-Got high at a playground, got a ride home from a friend, took off my pants in the car for no reason, had him drop me off three streets before mine and sprinted home in my underwear.

-After a night of drinking many Sam Adam's Cherry Wheat beers I swallowed a glowstick.

-I prostituted myself for one night on accident. Brothers. Didn't make much money. Threw up at drive-thru speaker of McDonald's as someone was taking our order.

-Had a party that involved lots of beer and weed...resulting in me pissing my pants and not knowing it. Words remembered: "Oh my God! You pissed your pants!" and "Wash your vagina."

-About 4 or 5 St. Patrick's days ago I drank so much whiskey that I went blind. Asked some guy if he had seen my friends. He showed me where they were and then started making out with me, since I couldn't see him I just went along with it. Friend sees me, yells at me and then tells me how ugly that was...Happy St. Patrick's Day!

-Once got an innocent bystander punched in the face for telling some guy that he smelled like gasoline and cologne. He got so mad at me that he punched the first guy that he saw. (Sorry to the man exiting a cab on Alexander St a few years ago.)

-Had a nail go through the arc of my foot while trying to break into my friend's house. Had no idea what happened until I woke my friend up to ask her why my foot had a hole in it and hurt so bad. Ended up having to go to the emergency room.

-Peed my pants while drunk/sleepwalking at my cottage. First tried peeing in dresser drawers and was stopped. After I was told where the bathroom was (we have an outhouse on the side of our property) I tried climbing out the window. Then was walked outside and directed towards the outhouse. Apparently, I never made it. Woke up in bed with no pants or underwear on without a clue. My pissy pants and underwear were in front of the bedroom door. I had completely pissed my pants and took them off before getting into bed.

-Was so drunk that my friends had a bouncer carry me around like a potato sack to all the bars.

-One time during "adult relations" I fell asleep. I was on top. Pretended to still be asleep when he left the next morning.

-Once was kicked out of a bar for trying to fight a man who was easily a foot taller than me and about double my size.

-Had a boyfriend for weeks and didn't know.