Blue Eyes Smiley Face Kathleen

I found this love note (dated 1/3/97) in an X-Files book I bought at a Salvation Army today. It was between pages 198 and 199.

Blue Eyes-
I miss you! I need to see you soon :). I am thinking of you all the time. I wish your arms were around me right now. I love you.
:) Kathleen

Besides the obvious questions...why the different color ink and pencil change? Why the bulgy, borderline creepy eyeballs on the smiley faces? I wonder if these two are still together? It would be cool to return the love note to them, if they want it back. Maybe it was just a love affair, but Kathleen meant something to Blue Eyes at some point. He kept her love note as a bookmark in probably the best piece of literature written (well, I'll let you know after I read it). Or maybe it was Kathleen's book and she wrote the note to a mystery man, with blue eyes, whom she kissed on new years and never gave him the note?! I think I'll hang on to this note for a while.

It's A Hard Knock Life

It would be an understatement to say that I've been stressed. We move into a house at the end of the month to take over my mom's mortgage and I work 2-3 days a week and can't seem to find even a shitty job to pay the bills. A few weeks ago I found out that I have a leak in my brake line, then a few days later someone sideswiped my car overnight (in the driveway!!!!!!!) and then just a few days after that I got into a car accident...totaling my car. I still drive it but limited, just to work. We've been walking everywhere since. I don't have collision on my car and the damage is more than the car. Guess I can stop complaining about gas prices. Since I can't find any work and I need money, I agreed to work for a catering company when they have events, weddings and what have yous. I'll be the degraded asshole in a bow tie filling up your water. It's going to have to do until I find something more stable or gauge my eyes out. I've applied for well over 30 jobs.

We tried escaping reality for a night by going down to my family's cabin near Letchworth State Park but ended up having a horrible time due to stupid drunk drama. We weren't drunk, we shared one beer by the fire, and were being taunted all night. All we wanted was one night to forget our troubles and instead more trouble came to us. It's a lesson learned, if we want piece and quiet...don't let the family know you are going to the cabin. If it was up to me I'd make them all disappear Home Alone style. Luckily, one of them disappeared overnight after driving (drunk, remind you) to her mom's house around 5am. I'm glad no one was hurt although I wish her stupid ass would have ended up in a ditch or with a DWI to teach a lesson. It's not fucking cool to drive drunk, especially over a facebook message. Yes, a facebook message. Time to grow the fuck up, there are worse problems in the world...I wish a facebook message was my biggest problem.

Sobriety is especially tough after the weekend at the cabin. The weekend added more stress and I still can't get it out of my mind. I miss smoking. I quit in hopes of finding a job and not failing a drug test. I'm on day 4 and I've noticed the changes on day 2. I'm easily annoyed, tired during the day, awake at night, I'm depressed and my mind won't stop whirling. I hate it. I feel crazy all the time. Sure, it might get better but I remember feeling this way a few years ago when I quit for a few years. It sucked and I hated my life. I had horrible thoughts and feelings and relied heavily on booze. I don't want to drink again. I like having one or two drinks every few months or so with friends but I really have no interest in drinking again. Which makes me angry that I may not get hired for smoking pot. I'm not going to smoke before or during work so what does it matter what I do on my free time? It really angers me that something that keeps me happy and balanced can be the determining factor of getting a job or not. I refuse to take any medication to aid with depression and be turned into a pharmaceutical junkie. Alcoholics are lucky.

Throughout everything my boyfriend has been incredible. He's been amazing and nothing but supportive. I know it's cliche, but I honestly don't know what I would do without him. Every day since the spring has been a challenge for me, I can't seem to catch a break, and have been in quite the depressed slump. But there he is, constantly trying to make my life easier. Nobody has ever made me feel so special. I am so incredibly in love with that man and everyday he finds a different way to help me and love me. I love you, J.

Philly or Bust 2011

The boy turned the big 3-0 a few weeks ago and I decided to surprise him by planning an overnight stay to see his favorite basketball team play and hang out in his favorite city the next day. Before we left Wednesday morning I wrote "PHILLY OR BUST" with my finger in the dirt on the side of my car. We stopped at the north end of Skeneateles Lake to take in the scenery. It was cold but such a beautiful day! The reflection on the lake seemed almost fake as we drove alongside. 

There were thousands of fish in the lake!

It seemed like forever to get there but we made it to Philly! I booked us a hotel room in New Jersey. So we had to drive through Philadelphia in order to get to our hotel room, but we were just a few minutes away from the city of brotherly love.

Yay Philly! Boo traffic!

This was our view from our hotel. Beautiful Jersey!

Benjamin Franklin Bridge...and mist.

We got a little lost going to the basketball game in Philly, and saw a hooker waiting for a trucker to step out, but we didn't miss too much of the game. We had awesome seats (second row, not floor) and even found some extremely over priced veggie burgers! A (crappy) veggie burger with fries and a rootbeer came to $17.50...and that was the combo deal. Ouch. When we came back to our seats we noticed that a mom and her two snotty pubescent kids had snuck down to the row in front of ours. I didn't care so much until the pizza faced little girl kicked my burger and fries. Luckily, I caught the burger and only ketchup and packets went all over (hey, the ketchup wasn't seventeen bones). This however angered my boyfriend as he's the one that was kicked and a pile of ketchup sat on his knee. He called those two kids curse words and the girl was embarrassed. I couldn't believe that the mother didn't get involved. Her daughter had jumped up and over seats and kicked someone's dinner and then put her head down out of what I assumed to be shame. And the little girl never apologized (nor did my boyfriend though for calling her and her family "mother fuckers"). I noticed the mother had a rock on her finger that couldn't fit up the common nostril so just assumed we were dealing with a bunch of rich snobs. It's too bad how some people think manners aren't necessary when money is involved. Towards the end of the game the girl turned around to me and asked what section we were sitting in. At first I thought she was going to apologize so I fumbled with my a words a bit until I muttered out the section number. Right after I told her the section my boyfriend told them to check their tickets (cue laugh track). Other than that bit of drama, and the Houston Rockets (boyfriend's team) losing to the 76ers, the game was fun! I'm not a basketball fans by any means and I have to suffer through many, many games on tv but going to a game and having cool seats made all the difference! I had fun taking pictures for my boyfriend so he could watch and enjoy the game. I'll say it, I'd go to another.

You could hear the swoosh

This was an obnoxious, hardcore Philly fan that entertained me throughout the game

The girl who kicked my dinner. Also known as "mole cunt"

The concert was in our section but we left before we got boxed in. I saw Matisyahu recently anyways.

We went back to our hotel in Jersey after the game to rest up for walking around Philly the next day. My boyfriend fell asleep almost instantly when he laid on the bed that we weren't quite sure was changed before we arrived. It took me a minute to drift off but after I finally rested my mind and assured myself that it was only for a few hours and I could shower first thing in the morning I fell asleep. However, I was awake most of the night from 2-4am, mainly the 3-4am hour though. That's where the action was at! I kept waking up to high heels clicking on cement, knocks on doors and men talking. When we got home from the game we realized our door didn't lock automatically like it should have but my boyfriend/hero fixed it before we went to bed. It's not that I didn't doubt he fixed the lock but I realized how shaddy of a place I booked and was a tad fearful of someone coming in during the night. We checked out first thing in the morning and headed towards downtown Philadelphia and South Street before heading home.

I stopped for gas before we entered Philly and paid only $3.33/gallon for gas! I couldn't believe how cheap gas was in Jersey (good for something)! When I handed my card to the attendant and said "fill 'er up!" he smiled an almost completely toothless grin and replied with something sounding like "yabba gabba." I'm not sure what his language was, but it clearly wasn't english. On the way home I had to fill up again...but this time at $3.67/gallon. Sigh.

Here's where the trip gets tasty! While checking out the sites and architecture downtown we walked to the Redding Terminal Market. The place was a food lover's dream with randomness strewn between like used book stores and incense shops. We grabbed lunch at a vegetarian place called The Basic 4 Vegetarian Snack Bar. They had quite a few options and a hearty handful of vegan meals too. I've never been much of a meat eater before I was vegetarian so I had never had a philly cheesesteak in my life but thanks to seitan I enjoyed my very first philly cheesesteak...only vegan! They added peppers, onions and soy cheese making the entire hoagie smell, and look, just like all the other "real" cheesesteaks! I would imagine it tastes pretty close to the original cheesesteak. Anyone out there ever tasted both? I'm curious as to how close the two taste.

Vegan Philly Cheesesteak

After lunch we continued our venture in downtown Philly to check out a few historic sightings at the Independence Mall. We were strapped on time because of the lunch rush in the market but we were able to get in a few quick glances.The foundation to the President's House was on display in a giant glass case after having archeologists dig it up and that was pretty neat. On the way to the Liberty Bell my boyfriend decided it was a good time to practice healthy grooming habits and began clipping his nails, thankfully pausing while we were searched for weapons. The Liberty Bell was, um...liberty-like. I'd never seen the Liberty Bell before so that was cool too actually.

Liberty Bell. Go head, give it a ring.

After throwing a few more bucks in the parking kiosk we started walking towards South Street, a hangout street filled with shops, restaurants and art. We took a few pictures (mostly on film...still needs to be developed) and checked out a few record stores. My boyfriend got some records at Repo Records and I was able to snatch a few at Philadelphia Record Exchange. I was actually disappointed by the inventory at both stores but I suppose all the good stuff is already gone in the bigger cities. Focusing on our stomachs next we bought cookies from Cookie Confidential, a bakery focusing on cookies (obviously). They had two types of vegan cookies that day, key lime and chocolate chip. We bought one of each and realized probably at least three of each would have been better...maybe an uneven five. So good! 

Delicious cookies from @cookieconfident

We bought more vegan baked goods from Essene Market & Cafe. It was a great natural food store, similar to our local one, Lori's Natural Foods, but Essense has a vegan bakery! There were so many choices! Cookies, pies, pudding and cupcakes just to name a few. There were shelves lined with deliciousness! We ended up bringing home a fudge brownie, chocolate chip scone that looks more like a giant scoop of cookie dough and a banana pecan chocolate chip pound cake. We've only tried the brownie so far and it was good! It was a little more cake-like than fudge-like but I'd gladly take another one if offered to me with no complaints. The chocolate chip cookie scone was a little bland but it didn't stop us from eating the entire thing rather quickly. I think I would have liked it better with some tea. Banana pecan chocolate chip pound cake, you're next!

Chocolate Chip Scone...bigger than my fist.

Banana Pecan Chocolate Chip Pound Cake

Fudge Brownie

We walked down to the end of South Street, Penn's Landing, took in the view of the Delaware River and started walking back towards the car. Our trip was just about over. We made sure to order a pizza from the all vegan pizzeria, Blackbird, but ordering was hard when there were too many good pies to choose from. Veggie Supreme seemed like a good one to try out...and it was awesome! We talked about maybe ordering with less cheese next time but honestly, we gobbled up our slices with no complaints and brought the rest of the pizza home with us for delicious left overs. Oh and remember the greenbox pizza box I tweeted about a while back? Blackbird Pizzeria uses them! I was so excited once I noticed the box! Blackbird Pizzeria fucking rules.

Blackbird Pizzeria and a stud reading the menu

Greenbox Pizza Box @greenboxny

Veggie Supreme Pizza from Blackbird Pizzeria
onions, peppers, mushrooms, artichokes, red sauce, daiya cheese

So that was our mini vacation to Philly (and Dirty Jersey). We had a really great time and can't wait to go back! Next time I'd like to check out the zoo maybe. The ride home was amazing and perfect. I can't imagine being anymore happy than I am right now. Thanks to Brooklawn, New Jersey for letting us crash and for the cheap gas! And Philly...we'll be back.

Case "Work Rant" Closed

The other morning family 2 told me that I have to immediately stop watching family 1 and since they can't give me the raise I want I've decided that I'm going to quit. I'll still work for family 1 part time and I plan on starting my own business (more on that soon!). I'll work for Family 2 until the end of the month, hopefully, and family 1 is just going to have to wait a few, rough weeks but they are completely supportive and excited. They offered me a generous around for only a few hours a week and even offered to let me borrow money if I hit a rough patch during the transition. I forgot what it feels like to be appreciated. It all makes sense now. It's not about the money, it's about doing the right thing for everyone involved. I'm looking forward to the future and all the happiness that follows...well maybe starting in April. ;)


I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and advice I got from everyone, whether it was a tweet, a comment on my blog, an email or a text, I wouldn't have made this decision. I was overwhelmed by all the responses and I am extremely thankful for every single one of you. THANK YOU! I love you. And speaking of love, I'm positive I wouldn't be making it through this if it wasn't for my boyfriend. He has had to listen to every single complaint (often more than once) and some how he still held me every day (often more than once) and told me that everything would be ok. I feel like myself again now. He comforted me every night and every morning. And sent me messages throughout the day with words of encouragement, laughter and love. He is my motivation. My boyfriend truly is my hero. 

Once You Go Black Swan...

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My Vegan Valentine

Oh, Valentine’s Day (insert cliché feelings here). Work has been stressing me out and the boy has been picking up the pieces on a daily basis and doing his best to keep me sane. I feel bad he’s been stuck with a crazy girlfriend lately and decided that he needed a special treat for dealing with me. The first thing I did after work Friday night was drive around town looking for a special Valentine’s Day present for the boy. After a hissy fit in Best Buy I decided to get something a little more…dangerous yet satisfying. Now, I may like the bad boys but I’m a good girl (right?) so I made a bunch of goodies for my love too as a thank you for always being there, loving me and for being so fucking awesome. After all, he is the love of my life.

I made another loaf of bread but this one was baked with a secret message! 

(the yeast is sneaky)

We made chocolate peanut butter pillow cookies Saturday night. A chocolate cookie with a peanut butter filling! Ga-ga-goo!

Might as well add some homemade peanut butter frosting!

I knew these were in our future since the boy loves chocolate and peanut butter and I love cupcakes. The chocolate cupcake batter was heavenly and the peanut butter frosting…GIGGIDTY!

Baking, Sewing, Love and Pizza

We were extra domesticated this weekend. The family I work for is having a baby tomorrow and I wanted to make something for the baby, plus something for the big sister. I looked around for easy newborn ideas and decided to make a few sets of burp clothes for the new little guy.  Oh and of course, a princess dress for his sister.

In between projects we ordered a no cheese pizza from Papa John’s after finding out their dough and sauce is vegan. They were having a sale for a large pizza with up to seven toppings for ten dollars so we ordered mushrooms, black olives, green peppers, pineapple and onion. The boy sprinkled some mozzarella Daiya on his slices and we both added the “parm” cheese I made last week. We usually buy the frozen Amy’s no cheese pizza but having Papa John’s was a nice change and not to mention…delicious.

I attempted making a three grain bread recipe from Vegan on the Cheap this morning and just enjoyed a slice with a generous slab of earth balance butter. It turned out awesome! We plan on using it for sandwiches and for dipping in sauce and soup. The prep was easy enough to do once a week but I’d love a bread machine to cut the work in half!

While I was finishing sewing my boyfriend started making these amazing oatmeal, chocolate peanut butter cookies, also from the vegan cookbook, that turned out to be a hit! I think I’ll keep him.

Cheesy Vegan

I bought a vegan cookbook this week because after flipping through a few pages I was confident that I would use majority of the recipes instead of just the usual three to five recipes I find in most cookbooks.

Vegan on the Cheap

The recipes are simple and the ingredients are cheap. I can’t wait to make about 99% of the recipes in the book (the other 1% has cabbage in the recipes and I don’t take kindly to cabbage). Some are going to happen sooner than later. I’m talking to you, chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting!!! I recommend this cookbook to anyone who likes to make delicious food but doesn’t always have the time or the money…vegan or not! I’m sold.

Am I Coming In Clear?

I've been absent a lot from the internet. No, I'm not fasting on purpose, I've just been busy.

Work has been a real time suck lately. I won't bore you with the explanation why my job is stressful because let's face it...you care no more than this lady. My work load is getting heavier as the weeks pass and it's not going to stop for at least another three months. I told @94FTG that I wanted to go on a three month vacation and apparently he didn't take me seriously because there's been no talk of planning a trip.

I've been focusing most of my free time with the sewing machine I got for Christmas from the boy. Mainly practicing by making easy, yet practical, items. So far I've proven that I can make bags, pillows, pillow cases, door draft stoppers, plastic bag holders, doll clothes and mend tears on clothes from 1997 that I still insist on wearing. THERE'S NO END TO THE POSSIBILITIES!!!

I'm also looking for some new vegan recipes to try. We had a field roast (the celebration roast) with mashed potatoes, corn and carrots for dinner tonight. We tend to eat a lot of veggie dogs and fries, vegetable stir fry with tofu, pasta with grilled veggies in lemon olive oil topped with garlic and Italian herbs, and Amy's frozen no cheese pizza. Every once in a while we make Mexican rice bowls or chili over cous-cous. Suggestions, recommendations and recipes welcomed!

This One Goes to 11

I started writing a blog a few days ago remembering 2010 but honestly I’m sick of hearing about 2010 and I deleted the whole thing. I have nothing against 2010; in fact, there is a lot I love about last year! But instead of looking back on the good, the bad and the urinated soaked jeans, I’m focusing on what 2011 has to offer me.

(in no particular order)

1.       Award season! There’s nothing quite better than a spending a Sunday night indulging on food and drink while watching The Academy Awards. Plus it’s a good excuse to splurge on movies!

2.       I’m looking forward to getting my car fixed. Not looking forward to the bill.

3.       Buying more vinyl. Listening to more vinyl.

4.       I’m not much of a believer in resolutions, but I’ve decided to go with it. Finalizing on trying to eat lunch every day. So, there’s that…

5.       Move.

6.       Paying more attention to writing and blogging.

7.       Winning the lotto or falling upon any lump sum of money.

8.       The boy and I plan on visiting a few cities starting this spring. Just a few months away!

9.       Starting my own business(es).

10.   I want to be more active this year.

11.   More good times with friends!

12.   Finally getting a tattoo in remembrance of my grandma.

13.   If I don’t win the lotto this year or fall upon a lump sum of money, it’ll be ok (I guess) because I’m getting a raise this spring. Praise Jebus!

14.   More ladies nights.

15.   Picking up a few good books to read (hopefully).

16.   I’m trying to grow my hair out but I never actually do my hair. This one should be interesting…

17.   Learning how to make more vegan food and desserts.

18.   I should probably get health insurance too.

19.   Possible free trip to NYC.

20.   Spending more time with my love.

Here’s to a solid 2011! Stay healthy and stay safe.

Coming Attraction: My Dream

I had the most fantastic dream last night. It was so bizarre but real at the same time. It's been stuck in my head all day so I decided to write it down tonight. It turned into a short story with names hidden or changed. It is after all, just a dream. It wasn't real, but the people I dreamed about are very much real and a part of my life and it would be only fair (and less embarrassing for me) to keep everyone anonymous. I'm excited to edit it over the next few days and I'll post it on here sometime soon.

I went to school for writing. Even as a little kid, once I learned my letters I was crazy about writing them. I couldn't spell and I could barely write, but I would write letters on everything and anything I could. My baby book is filled with upside down R's and K's and random groupings of letters that I drew. My mom told me that I couldn't wait to write words as a little girl. I think it's cool that I had such an interest in writing as a 3-year-old. I lost the passion of writing when school began. It became a chore. I didn't get back interested into writing until college when I took a creative writing class. After a few weeks I became excited and was writing semi-decent short stories and better poems. After being in college for about seven years I became a pretty good writer, concentrating on poetry. I'm one class shy of BA degree in creative writing. But I haven't written anything really in close to three years now. Work got in the way and I just forgot about writing. Just never made the time for it anymore.

My writing is usually dark, obscene and often disturbing. Not in a thrilling sense, but in a creative way. I don't think I have ever written a love story, unless you count the story I wrote a few years ago about the one legged hooker who was sleeping with her brother, but there was something about the story in my dream that caught my attention. It seemed so real and made so much sense with it being as random and unlikely as possible. It is a love story. But it has it's own unique qualities. There is only one "scene" from my dream that I am leaving out of the story I wrote tonight...and that would be when actress Charlize Theron was following me in a wheelchair and pelting acorns at my legs. It was in my dream, but doesn't fit with the rest of the story. I do assure you though that the story is full of equally bizarre moments.