Cowboys, Dildos and Feathers

Over the past few days, the boy swept me off my feet and took me to see three movies. Actually we just used some giftcards we got for Christmas but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t swept off my feet. Anywho, we chose our three films wisely. The first being the John Wayne remake True Grit. Followed by the highly entertaining and charming Jackass 3D and lastly, Black Swan. (sigh) All such fine, handsome choices.

I get giddy every time I hear the Cohen brothers are making another movie. I get less giddy when I find out it’s a western. Still hopeful, we bought a slushie for six bucks and met another couple at the theatre. The movie started and it dragged on for a bit. We get it, he killed your father, you want revenge and you’re feisty too. In all honesty, all I cared about in this movie was Jeff Bridges. Although still good, I’m not so sure I agree with all the award hype that surrounds this rushed western but I’m always pulling for the Cohen brothers and especially Jeffy B.

It may not be recognized by the academy this year but we can keep our fingers crossed that Jackass 3D gets the credit it deserves. I’ve been against the 3D movement until I saw an air born white dildo flying directly at my face. I swear it honestly felt like I was about to get a dick in the eye. Or maybe it was when a party favor, blown by a fart, stretched out into the audience? Either way, the fellas nailed the 3D movie. You can only imagine what was protruding out of the screen…vomit, wieners and explosive diarrhea to name a few. But the best part about this movie was the family sitting in front of us. I wish I could have seen their kid’s faces during that entire movie.

Let me get down to it, Black Swan is the best movie I’ve seen this year (sorry Johnny Knoxville). We missed a few minutes thanks to a flustered and awkward concession stand man, but from the moment I sat down I was sucked in. The last thing I remember was that I was trying to take off my jacket, the end credits appeared and I realized I still had my coat on. I’ll tell you, there was a lot of dancing but don’t let that form your judgment on this film. It’s worth watching and you’ll see it’s impossible to keep your eyes off Natalie Portman. Aronofky sends out his message loud and clear by bringing us yet another awesomely fucked up movie that somehow gets stuck in our heads, forcing out questions and leaving us all wondering: What does Darren Aronofsky dream? Go see this film.

Figuring Out the Three Dimentions

After forming a quick opinion on the new 3-D nonsense in Hollywood I thought that I should I sit down and think about why I felt so strongly against 3-D movies becoming so mainstream and popular. I knew one thing for sure, I did not want 3-D movies to take over the film industry. I picture giant cartoon movie screens with skinny legs and arms stomping on the famous Hollywood sign while showing mediocre cinema, claiming to be three dimensional. How can you not fear and hate this three dimensional craze?! Oh and I'm sure there's some sort of condition that follows an excessive viewing of 3-D! Take a good long look at the special people in your life before your eyes begin to rot! Ok, Ok, maybe I got a little carried away, but you really can't help but wonder what the future holds for 3-D film.

Here's exactly what I want out of a 3-D movie:

1. Actual 3-D experience. I want to jump, duck and sway in my seat. Don't make me feel like I could have gotten the same satisfaction by looking at the hologram sticker on my book mark. I want to leave that theater with a dribble or two of pee in my skivvies.

2. Awesome assortment of glasses. Lenses must also be a choice. I don't want to have the same glasses as everyone else. It scares me a little. I want my glasses to suit my mood or the film. I even want the choice of black lenses or red and blue lenses, I feel like it would be an important choice. Generic styles should be offered at the theater, but different styles should be available for purchase if not at the theaters then at local stores. And of course I wouldn't mind themed glasses paired with the movie periodically.

3. Only certain movies should be allowed in 3-D. In other words, it better be a bomb-ass action flick, a slapstick comedy or some great B-movies. To make sure that the trend doesn't go overboard (like taking over Hollywood and other mischief) 3-D movies should only be shown at small cinemas and theatres...not the ones with stadium seating that's playing the new Bruce Willis film on five different screens.

And that's how I feel about 3-D movies. They should be made because they are fun and I want to have fun watching them...silly, yet interested. Is that really so much to ask for?