Holidays are a funny thing. They are made up and yet taken so seriously. The family part kills me. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of family and I'm extremely grateful for my family...I just can't stand them majority of the time. I swear I feel like I'm part of the Truman Show or some other nightmare scheme.
During dinner my father counted his moles...after exclaiming that he had to get some paper towel because he sweats when he eats. Disgusting. He actually said "my adrenaline gets goin' when I see all the good food." So he got his paper towels came back and started talking about how he has one mole. Then he changed it to two. Two moles.
"I have one by my neck....and the other one somewhere else," he said while laughing. As I looked up to say something along the lines of "shut up", I noticed he had a mole on his face, next to his eye brow above his nose.
"What about that one on your face?" I asked while shoving mashed potatoes in my mouth.
"I don't have a mole on my face," he tried to argue. My brother leaned over and put his finger on it.
"Oh. Well...I guess I have three moles then."
And that's how dinner started. Then my mom wanted to play a game. We had to go around the table and say things that we are thankful for. When it was my turn I said "pass", as I was still getting over the mole conversation. But everyone said the same cheese, "I'm thankful for family and friends and health and this meal and blah blah blah." All eyes were on me. I looked down at my plate and said the first thing that came to my mind..."I am thankful for these eating utensils." Without saying a word, glasses were raised. And then my brother sneezed.
"Bless you," we said. He got up and started laughing. We were all confused but still not entirely interested in what was so funny. He came back with Windex and paper towel. We all leaned over and took a peek. He sneezed with a mouthful of food. Not just one food, but turkey, corn and mashed potatoes. In my family, you learn not to regurgitate your food at a young age.
I continued to work on my plate. My stuffing looked like it was in a perfect ball from when I scooped it with a spoon.
"Did you roll your stuffing into a ball?" my dad asked me.
"What? No, that's how it came off the spoon." I said back to him.
"Oh, I thought you were playing with your food." He put his hands in the air and told me to throw my stuffing at him. I gave him a "really?" look.
"Are you serious?" I said to his stupid grin.
"C'mon..." he said in a teasing and taunting voice.
"Don't tempt me." I said as he laughed and put his hands down.
Then my mom started talking about my brother's penis. Something everybody, including him, I'm sure wanted to hear. My brother and his girlfriend made penis cookies. My mom had all these inappropriate jokes and stories to go with them.
"I've seen his penis, but I don't want to decorate it. That would just be weird." I probably asked her to stop four times before she actually did.
"Oh, you have no sense of humor!" my mom told me.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm lacking." The room was quiet. My brother and his girlfriend were whispering.
"What are you guys talking about?" my dad asked.
"We're gonna hang out with Sean tonight," my brother told him.
"Doesn't he have swine flu?" we all asked in confusion.
"Yeah, but he went out last night and he said he feels fine," my dumb brother said. We all tried explaining to him that H1N1 stays in your system for ten days and that it has not been ten days. My mother who is a nurse and has been having to wear a mask every day at work for months told him that it was a stupid idea.
"He said he feels fine though," his girlfriend said.
"Whatever, you guys are fucking stupid," my other brother chirped in.
"For real, don't come back to this house for a while if you're going over there," I said.
"Well, I'm ready to get my party on and I don't care," my brother said.
And as if we weren't talking about swine flu exposure, my dad decided to change the subject.
"If you put all the left overs into a food processor or blender and then put in in a casserole and bake it, I'd bet it'd be really good," he said.
"That's disgusting," I said in return. The conversation went on for a while about how none of us would eat the left over casserole. Before I knew it we were talking about my single status. Something always good to end the dinner with.
"You know, the guy that owns that pizza and sub place remembers what you order," my mom told me.
"What pizza and sub place? What guy?" I asked.
"You know, the one you get a turkey sub from..." my mom said in a cute tone.
"Um...no, I don't. I always order a turkey sub."
"Oh, what's the name of that place? Guetti's?" she finally remembered.
"UHHHHH....are you serious?" I said while dropping my fork on my plate.
"Yeah! His father was just in with chest pains!" my mom said sounding somewhat excited.
"I've only been in there once and it was over the summer..." I said waiting for her to realize how odd it is that this man knew who I was and what I ordered.
"Oh yeah! That's what he said!" she wasn't picking it up.
"Mom," I said, "that's creepy."
"No it's not! He saw my last name and asked if I knew your father. Told me that you came in on a Sunday morning over the summer. You were his first customer of the day and you ordered a turkey sub."
"Uh, yeah...that's creepy," I said once again. Apparently, I was the only one who found this story off. Everybody else seemed to think it was special. I slowly got up, took my wine, a few cookies and went upstairs all while listening to them all discuss my future of marrying a man that owns a pizzeria.
That was only one half hour of my family life. Imagine what the next month or so is going to be like. It's for this reason that I like to think of my friends as family. The way I see it, you're friends are the family that you chose. So out of no disrespect to my family, I'd like to say that I am thankful for something other than forks and spoons...I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful that they don't count their moles in front of me and for just being who they are. Without them I'm sure I'd be in a nuthouse. So thanks, friend. :)
5 comments:
Hahaha. Love it.
This post had me laughing!! Good stuff. Although you didn't seem to think it was all that funny.
Oh I found it funny, that's why I posted it. I just want people to understand where I come from. I don't belong here. :P
I had a moment like this yesterday when my mother's husband Sam grabbed a twist tie and explained how it could be used as a cock ring.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Outstanding.
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